Choices are often made on the basis of one's own personal experience, including when to have a second child. As Rossella recounts, she preferred to wait until her daughter was four years old before starting a second pregnancy, so as not to make her live through the same distressing feelings she herself had experienced when her sister was born. And she was fortunate enough to become pregnant again exactly when she wanted, something that does not happen for many women!
«My sister was born when I was just over two years old. I was too young to have a precise memory of my impressions at the time, but one image has stayed fixed in my mind, as clear and sharp as if I were watching it projected on a movie screen: my mother lying on an extremely high bed that must have seemed unreachable to me, since I was so small and unable to climb up there. My grandmother used to tell me that I went with her to see the little sister, but that I ran off into the hallway crying, saying the little sister was ugly, mean, that I didn't want her, that she shouldn't come to my house… I would have liked to throw her away, sell her, toss her in the trash so as to get rid of her forever! How many times during my psychotherapy work have I gone back over this scene, which made me feel all over again the jealousy for that intruder who drew everyone's eyes and attention, especially my mother's, who perhaps hadn't even noticed me anymore.»
Even though people often like to believe otherwise, the birth of a second child is always a cause of strong jealousy in the older child, who feels a more or less intense aggressiveness toward the intruder, depending on various factors: how they were prepared for the event, their temperament, their age, and the family situation.
Contrary to what one might think, jealousy is greater the smaller the age gap between the two children, especially if the woman becomes pregnant when the first child is still only a few months old, that is, still in that «fusional» phase that characterizes the first period of life. Since starting a pregnancy means investing in the new child part of the desires that were previously directed only toward the child already born, it inevitably, and without her realizing it, takes away a support that the older child still greatly needs in order to build their identity. Even without failing in her duties because she is pregnant, the mother must inevitably divide her energy between the child on the way and the existing child, who finds himself sharing his mother with another at a time in life when he would still need her exclusively. If the age gap between the siblings is greater, the situation changes. Even though childhood possessiveness is unbridled at every age, being a little older helps the firstborn find, in the reality around them, opportunities to invest their affection in other people and other situations (nursery school, friends, teachers, leisure activities).
So the smaller the age gap between siblings, the greater the distress for the firstborn can be. Even though it is easier to share many situations with a sibling close in age, the relationship is inevitably marked by strong ambivalence: on one hand aggressiveness toward the one who has usurped the privileged role they had in the family, on the other affection and protectiveness toward the younger sibling.
Too small an age gap often makes things harder for the second-born child too. Rather than seeing an older sibling as a model to imitate, an ideal to aspire to, they will tend to experience the relationship with rivalry, trying to do better in order to earn praise, a kiss, a smile, tangible proof of feeling more loved by their parents.