The Baby's Need for Mother

At birth, the baby is immature: the information provided by his genetic makeup does not equip him, as happens with animals, with innate behavioral patterns (instincts) that would allow him to survive on his own within a short time.

This state of incompleteness with respect to the external environment and to his own body is called «neoteny».

Neoteny generates in the newborn a strong sense of discomfort linked to the excessive bombardment his nervous system undergoes through the sensory pathways, since auditory, visual, hunger-related, and thermal stimuli are very different from the sensations experienced in the mother's womb. Perinatal stress shows itself through more or less evident objective signs (tachycardia or bradycardia, breathing pauses, apneas, tongue protrusions, disturbances of the sleep-wake rhythm) and can only be eased by the presence and help of someone who takes care of him and meets his needs: his mother or a substitute caregiver.

Her intervention, which allows the baby to release tension and maintain homeostasis, leaves a memory trace that will be reinforced through repeated experiences of satisfaction, gradually helping the baby learn to cope with waiting.

So while a present, gratifying mother is necessary to create «traces of wellbeing», it should not be forgotten that «excessive presence» also has a negative effect on the child's development.

Small frustrations, experienced within a context in which the baby feels loved and accepted, are necessary for his development and allow the person caring for him not to wear herself out trying to satisfy his every request.

The baby must have the chance to cry in order to release tension, without picking up on his mother's anguish and guilt, feelings reawakened by the current situation but rooted in far earlier periods of her own life.

As Rossella comes to realize, a mother's attitude shapes her baby's behavior. It's no coincidence that stressed mothers have babies who cry more and demand total availability, creating a vicious circle in which maternal anxiety feeds the child's crying, and vice versa.

«After my first daughter was born, I felt tired and disappointed, because I had imagined motherhood differently: more rewarding, less stressful. My newborn's crying threw me into crisis, I couldn't stand it, I felt powerless, inadequate, guilty, because I had the feeling I was a bad mother.

Thinking back on those moments now, I realize how differently I relate to this second little one, and I wonder how much that affects her behavior. I remember that at her very first whimper I would drop whatever I was doing to pick her up: trying to console her, I would carry her from one end of the house to the other, with the result that she would start screaming even louder, picking up on my anxiety… which in the end would turn into tears…

When people suggested I leave the baby with someone so I could carve out a little rest for myself (something I do now when her father is home or a grandmother comes to visit) I was almost offended: out of the question, I couldn't lose control of the situation!

Fortunately, I no longer experience my baby's crying so negatively: by calmly observing my daughter, I've learned to recognize the reasons she cries, whether she's hungry, needs changing, or is tired, and I act accordingly. I don't feel guilty if I let her fuss for a few minutes, especially if I'm in the middle of something.