In education, and particularly in the relationship between parents and children, managing to say "the no's that help children grow" is a challenge that requires constant commitment.
Every mother, every father knows that helping a child grow means nurturing the potential still latent within him, strengthening his qualities, stimulating creative expression, instilling a love of beauty and goodness, encouraging every trace of curiosity, fostering a taste for discovery and knowledge, building a sense of responsibility and confidence in his own abilities. Every parent also knows that, in order to care for their child and help him grow, some "no"s are needed, but not just any "no"s: rather, those "no's that help children grow", to use Asha Phillips's fortunate phrase, the author of a book published by the Feltrinelli publishing house in 1999. Already twenty years ago, the author pointed out how important it is to know how to say no at the right moment, and stressed the negative consequences of not knowing how to do so, both in the relationship between parents and children and in the development of children's personality.
In what way does a "no" become an ally of growth?
To answer this question, we can point to three aspects:
- a "no" sets a limit on a desire, in a way that creates a waiting time between its expression and its fulfillment;
- in setting a limit on a desire, it allows another desire to blossom, as well as the search for and the building of an alternative solution;
- a practical, contingent "no", spoken at the right moment, does not undermine acceptance, love, or trust.
Of course, there are also "no"s that not only do not fall at the right moment but are also real barriers that hinder creativity, play, and the free expression of emotions, tastes, and preferences; just think of "no"s such as "you mustn't get dirty, you mustn't waste time, you mustn't eat chips", or others of the same kind.
Generally speaking, though, being confronted with a "no" allows the child to master his most pressing impulses, to put a check on his sense of omnipotence, to consider needs different from his own, to take into account differing points of view, so that, out of the teeming mass of desires, the least aimless ones can take shape. At the same time, he will be able to face any difficulty with greater strength and be less vulnerable to slights, hostility, and negative events. The frustration caused by a "no", and its gradual overcoming, allow the drive toward self-assertion natural to every child to be channeled along paths more in tune with his stage of development: anger, rage, fear, envy, jealousy find suitable objects through which to express themselves, without falling back onto people or situations that have nothing to do with the emotion itself. In this way, he will gradually learn to assert his own thoughts and reasons without imposing himself with arrogance or overbearing behavior.