«Ever since I became a mother, my little girl occupies all my thoughts, even when she's not with me. She absorbs me completely, as if the umbilical cord that joined us for the nine months of pregnancy hadn't been cut at birth but still made us feel connected. How else can I explain waking up at night before she even cries? Or guessing the right position to get her to sleep? Or knowing what tone to use when she's upset?
I believe that trusting my «instinct» is the best way to attune myself to her, without thinking too much about what I should do but simply acting in the way that feels right to me and, as a result, right for her. Having another daughter already and having read a lot about newborns and how to care for them certainly helps, but above all, based on my own experience, I believe that the calmer and more positive a mother is, the easier it becomes for her to respond in the right way to the different situations that come up every day and call for immediate, spontaneous action.»
The birth of a child is such an intense and profound experience that it shapes a woman's thoughts, fantasies, fears, and emotions, sharpening her sensory system and making it more receptive.
This heightened maternal sensitivity, which allows a mother to attune herself to her baby's needs and decode his requests, was called by Winnicott (the English pediatrician and psychoanalyst who studied the mother-child relationship in depth) «primary maternal preoccupation».
It is a form of identification of the mother with her baby, «a psychic gestation of the newborn», a total emotional investment that is as necessary in the first weeks after birth as it is potentially harmful to the child if it goes on too long and replaces the mother's other relationships: with her partner, with any other children, with her own activities.
This psychological state, which varies from woman to woman (and can present differently even from one child to another), makes the mother «good enough», that is, instinctively capable of caring for her baby, striking the right balance between the gratifications and the frustrations to which she exposes him.