«Breastfeeding was a carefully considered choice, one I made after thinking about it for a long time. Having seen certain friends of mine overwhelmed by breastfeeding, with children permanently attached to the breast and with no set schedule even after months, or on the contrary always whiny and hungry because forced into rigid schedules, made me lean toward the bottle. Set schedules from the start, and the possibility of being replaced by someone else, so as to feel less like I was indispensable.
During pregnancy I read several books about breastfeeding, but above all I asked myself why it seemed impossible to me to dedicate myself completely, for a few weeks, to my daughter, knowing that things would change later on. Little by little I set aside the idea of doing anything else during the postpartum period, so I could enjoy caring for the newborn full-time, learning to understand her needs and her rhythms, and gently trying to bring them in line with mine. Now, five months after her birth, I can say it has been a wonderful experience for me, one that has given me the chance to enjoy unrepeatable moments of intimacy, to relax together, to get to know each other better…. By staying attentive to her needs, little by little I managed to bring her onto a rough schedule, which gives our days a rhythm and makes them much easier to manage, allowing us both longer breaks between feedings, breaks during which we often get some good, restorative sleep!»
The first phase of a newborn's life is called «fusional», and it highlights the baby's total dependence on the mother, to whom they remain bonded, fused, including with regard to feeding if the milk comes from the breast. This is a period that lasts 4 to 5 months, during which, at the start, breastfeeding on demand allows various needs of both mother and child to be met:
- it allows the mother to improve and increase her milk production, thanks to repeated, closely spaced stimulation;
- it allows the newborn to build a gratifying image of the breast, which appears every time they are hungry, sparing them the anguish of an unmet need;
- it allows both of them to maintain, for a little while longer, a kind of umbilical cord: while it was physically cut at birth, at the psychological level breastfeeding allows a gradual separation, moving from feeding on demand to acquiring a rhythm that gives the mother greater freedom and teaches the baby to learn to postpone the satisfaction of their needs.
Many mothers disagree with this and continue breastfeeding «on demand» for many more months, believing they are doing what is best for their children, while overlooking the fact that around six months breast milk is no longer sufficient to meet all their nutritional needs (particularly for iron), and that the baby is starting to teethe. These are signs that the child has grown, that the fusional phase is over, that they have passed a first stage of development, and that they need help beginning a gradual separation from their mother. This does not mean breastfeeding has to stop, simply that it should continue with a somewhat different approach, one that takes into account and respects the baby's psychophysical needs: no longer on demand, and no longer exclusively.
Unfortunately, though, many mothers are not prepared for this, and project onto the child their own desire to keep living with him in a fusional way, by continuing a type of breastfeeding that postpones separation and interferes, to a greater or lesser degree, with the child's process toward independence.